went to the coffee shop today. random guy asks me what i’m reading. proceed with conversation about favorite philosophers and concepts. all of a sudden entire coffee shop joins in.

my life is rad. i’m rad. even if the majority of society may disagree. 

when life gives me lemons

i don’t make lemonade

i work for some change

and scrounge up the missing ingredients

asshole

if my life had a soundtrack, flipper definitely would have made it

i always begin writing and get too lazy to finish @_@. 

I just realized I’m going to be in the middle of nowhere, on a farm, all summer. gon be reading and snuggling and watchin da stars and chain smoking all night

My routine for the past three months has actually been quite satisfying although everyone seems to think different. I mean, those people are the reason this has become my routine, and if you’re reading this, you’re definitely one of those people as well.

What I mean to say, is that I’ve come to take a God-like role and I say this as an atheist. I’ve taken the position of god insofar as I’m able to conceive It. I merely exist in the background, silently observing and passing judgement, but my purpose is higher than that of your god. And let me tell you something, there is no difference between altruism and egoism; the latter only implies a material benefit. Allow your human naiveté to rationalize and interpret that for a second and what I’ve revealed to you is one of the basic flaws of theology. God was self-serving. I’ll use what I’m most familiar with though and begin with Christianity. An imaginable entity creates the world and 2 humans, Adam commits a sin, and thus humanity is condemned to die. 

Imagine that… a perfect entity, couldn’t even create us properly; I can already imagine what heaven must be like. Once faced with something we don’t understand what is our natural inclination? What is the true driving force of humanity, that thing which has left us with philosophers, scientists, and sadly, theologians? Curiosity, god dammit. Considering god created us wouldn’t it have known that we would take that apple? Ah, no? Let me point out Its hypocrisy then by referring to Colossians 3:13:

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Forgive, the one thing god didn’t do. From the creation of the world and Adam, to when he committed the act, wouldn’t god have recognized that like me and you, Adam’s curiosity would get the best of him? That entering into this world without the knowledge of It, we would attempt to understand it? God would have had to have possessed that knowledge otherwise It couldn’t have taken that position. Right presupposes wrong, therefore, God knew right and didn’t bestow Its knowledge on us. The only conclusions left are these: God was self-serving and wanted us to suffer so that It could be recognized, or It doesn’t exist. The latter implies the thought of It punishing us would have never occurred or It would have learned from us and then be required to forgive us, thus our contact wouldn’t be necessary. That is my position and my belief, so, Adam, you’re forgiven and if anything I owe you my thanks. Since you did, I didn’t, and won’t. 

So, there it is. What does the philosophy of your new god, I, entail? I seek to unite humanity; to bridge the gap between absurdity and reason; to make YOU as great as I. The chances of me accomplishing that? It probably isn’t likely, but I promise that I’m more capable than God. By all your crimes - and I have my fair share as well - I can take the position I claim. I’ve seen and committed enough crimes to distinguish wrong from right. And although wrong persists, my duty now is to observe and point out the things that influence them. This will decrease over time as more Adam & Eve’s pursue knowledge and eliminate their curiosity for apples, but the more complicated crimes I’m to find and trace to the influence, then destroy it. Now do you understand why I exist in the background as an observer? If I participate then my predisposition to sin will inevitably lead me to do so. I must avoid judgment in order to not be judged myself, but I must judge if I’m going to lead you away from sin.

portable bookstore cafe

i’ve been looking into schizoid personality disorder, which would explain a lot of things. although my symptoms aren’t serious enough to warrant a trip to a psychiatrist, so i’ll pass on that. 

Signs & symptoms that I have(here for overt and covert features):

• Prefer being alone and usually choose solitary activities
• Prize independence and have few close friendships (none, aside from my relationship)
• Feel confused about how to respond to normal social cues and generally have little to say
• Feel unable to experience pleasure
• Come off as dull, indifferent or emotionally cold
• Feel unmotivated and tend to underperform at school or work
• Many schizoids have a healthy sex drive but some prefer to masturbate rather than deal with the social aspects of finding a sexual partner.
• Narcissism
• Self-sufficiency “ The more that schizoids can rely on themselves, the less they have to rely on other people and expose themselves to the potential dangers and anxieties associated with that reliance or, even worse, dependence.”
•  Loss of affect “  the loss of affect is present to such a degree that the insensitivity becomes manifest in the extreme as cynicism, callousness, or even cruelty. The patient appears to have no awareness of how his or her comments or actions affect and hurt other people.” I would say this was a major problem at 13.
• Loneliness “ Loneliness is an inescapable result of schizoid introversion and abolition of external relationships. It reveals itself in the intense longing for friendship and love which repeatedly break through. Loneliness in the midst of a crowd is the experience of the schizoid cut off from affective rapport.”
•  Depersonalization is a dissociative defense, often described by the schizoid patient as “tuning out,” “turning off”, or as the experience of a separation between the observing and the participating ego. It is experienced most profoundly by those with schizoid personality disorder when anxieties seem overwhelming. It is a more extreme form of loss of affect: whereas the loss of affect is a more chronic state in schizoid personality disorder, depersonalization is an acute defense against more immediate experiences of overwhelming anxiety or danger.
• “Patients with schizoid personality disorders consider themselves to be observers, rather than participants, in the world around them.” this.

 Factors that increase your risk of developing schizoid personality disorder include:

• Having a parent or other relative who has schizoid personality disorder, schizotypal personality disorder or schizophrenia
• Experiencing a childhood environment of neglect or scorn
• Suffering child abuse or mistreatment
• Having an emotionally detached parent

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girl i hooked up with months ago who thinks it’s a good idea to call me at 4AM while I’m snuggling with my girlfriend and trying to rest before work… kill yourself.

saved my life. I’m so glad it happened sooner rather than later, any age after 17 might have been too late or depressing. 

1. Hoboken on Thursday
2. Pittsburgh in 2-3 weeks
3. Chicago in 5 weeks
4. San Francisco in 6 weeks and staying there for 2-3 months